There are barriers to the growth of a healthy relationship. Name it jealousy, insecurity, paranoia, possessiveness, and (gasp) insanity. All of which I think I have. And now you see my big dilemma.

 

Life isn't perfect, I get it. I knew from the start. When in grade school, I saw classmate with her mini, battery-operated electric fan in class, when almost everyone has that cool pencil case, the one with lots of buttons that when pushed some sort of a pocket/drawer pops out. I knew it when all of my highschool classmates had their first cellular phones, a nokia 3210 in fact, and I have nothing but this heavy feeling of envy. 

 

Life is not perfect that way.

 

And so are people.

 

More and more, I know that I am becoming a heavy load. I know not everyone gets me. But unfortunately, neither do I.

 

How can anyone get me, when I cannot even get myself?

 

Strangely, I have this tendency to keep everything to myself, even if it's already too much to bear. I wake up every morning, take a bath, ride jeepneys to and from work, while thinking of the same thoughts over and over. I'm very much in despair to have a peace of mind, to rid my mind off the usual shit, aside from when I'm asleep.

 

Now, I can really say that I have become a very different person. Am I happy with how I turned-out? Not even close. The problem remains to be how to turn my back against the things/thoughts that I acknowledge to have bad effects on my being. How to get all these out of my head? How to start with a clean, fresh slate?

 

I think I need professional help. I think I need whatever drug there is, to help me relax, to soothe my mind. I think I know what I need, but honestly I don't.

 

Who would help me? And how I can I be helped in the first place, if I couldn't even help myself?

 

All I want is stability, in all aspect. Is it too huge of a dream? Just like everyone else, I have high hopes. And then it occurred to me, maybe because of these hopes, I turned out to be this way.

 

Maybe it's time to embrace this, coming from this tough girl I once have been...

 

I'm just a fragile human being.

 

The weaknesses, the fear of being hurt, of losing a game I have always won, of becoming more insecure, more scared of the future, of losing trust, or of just losing, all has been triumphant

 

well, except me.