1. Work - Its running to third week of doing nothing. Work's on-hold (if that's how it's called) because of this certain 'aspect' that is yet to be finalized.

Afternoon, Seventh of November.

What he responded sort of knocked me back to reality, as I've been drifting for quite some time now...

Would you believe that it was actually a message to God?

 

Yeah. I'm stressed that way. I cuss. A lot.

Sometimes, I say it out loud. Most of the time, it's all in my head. 

 

Just to end all wrong assumptions, once and for all, I am claiming that 'the furious blog entry' wasn't intended to any person in particular. As a matter of fact, I think it was intended to God. He who has the power. He who has the sole idea why everything happens. He, who at this moment, I don't really get.  

 

Let me put it this way...

 

In our lives, we experience being covered by either blue or grey skies. Each day, we have our inner voice hoping that the day ahead is somewhat according to what we want. It's invigorating to see the ray of light as if it majestically greets us at the start of the day. Sunrise has this certain effect on people. For me, it's some sort of a reminder that it's another fresh start. The breeze of the morning, whatever month/season, can definitely make you feel new. It conditions you to get out of bed, or stay in for some reason, and just live life, since you're given another chance to do so. There's your sunlight, your dawn - a chance.

 

But what if, despite the obvious light-shade up above, you feel like you are clouded with all things grey and dull? Everything seems heavy as if you carry the world on one shoulder. All seems unorganized, chaotic. Sure, there are still some things that are in their proper places. But since majority of what's been going on around you is like a huge ball of mess, you don't seem to notice the good. You don't seem to notice the light.

 

This is where I am. For the past year, I have been thriving to be positive. Thinking that in spite the burden of all these sufferings and mishaps, there are bits of good things in life. Things that supposed to lift up the slowly deteriorating spirit to fight, to move forward, to go on living. I have always been in the edge of snapping to escape, cutting my wrist, jumping off the building, stopping in the middle of the highway. Pure crazy stuff, but believe it or not, they came to me at one point, except for the jump. Admittedly, the cycle became tiring. One day, you're good, then the next, you're down, so so low, and you wish that they weren't real, more of like a nightmare to either shrug off or laugh at once you wake up.  What with the waiting, unmet expectations, unaccomplished tasks, unfulfilled plans, dreams, all has become dragging. Like I was just to suck up every pieces life has to offer, and be contented. Unfortunately though, satisfaction was not even close. And with all the expectations, and the good vibes that I've kept within me, I remain disappointed. 

 

I've waited for, what, a whole year to witness change. I've been brave, albeit being weakened once in a while. I've laughed it all off at day, and cried it to sleep at night. I've never prayed as much before, never even had that faith in Him before. And just the same, here I am still disenchanted.

 

I wouldn't be able to send off good vibes, sunshine-y happy thoughts.

 

Sure, focusing on the negative won't do me any good.

 

Sure, it's all about keeping up with my emotions and controlling my mind.

 

Sure, this is but a test of faith.

 

Sure, I know. But tell me, how do you start all over again? How can you never get tired? How to ignore, not notice? How to not question? How do I do these?  These, on top of the 'WHYs'. These, on top of the "I-wish-I's" or "I-could-have's".

 

How to continue trusting? Yearning? Believing?

 

Putting my faith aside does not mean I am already a non-believer. First, I think someone's right by saying that you cannot question Him and not believe at Him at the same time. Second, I'm not even proud that I'm experiencing this.

 

I just need time to seek something strong to grasp, and balance me once again. I am not God.